A lot of women were handed a whole verbal toolkit for making ourselves smaller, softer, easier to absorb. Half the work is changing the boundary, and the other half is dropping the language that keeps apologizing for having one.
A whole verbal toolkit for making ourselves smaller, yes, exactly! You just described it perfectly. And you're right that it's a two-part job: changing the boundary AND dropping the language that keeps apologizing for having one. The boundary means nothing if your language is still asking permission for it. Love this.
Do you think maybe there’s also a cultural reason too behind why women apologise so much? Perhaps we have trauma from our culture, upbringing, or childhood, or even older female bosses earlier in our career to think we are a burden and are simply not good enough for just existing and have to do extra to prove ourselves. That is why I believe we over-apologise. I think when women are constantly told by even other women that hold internalised misogyny within them to younger women they aren’t good enough it really hits young women poorly.
Absolutely. This is such an important layer. The conditioning doesn't just come from men or from 'the system' in the abstract, it sometimes comes from other women who were taught the same rules and are unconsciously enforcing them. Older female bosses who were told to shrink, and then pass that expectation down to the next generation. It's a cycle. And you're right, the cultural and childhood roots run deep. For me, as an immigrant, there was an added layer to blend in. Dismantling it requires recognizing where it was installed in the first place. Thank you for naming this.
Agreed, it's really important and so many of us are guilty of it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes, awareness is the first step for change. Just checking in' is one of the sneakiest ones because it sounds professional. But what it really says is: 'I don't want you to think I'm being pushy by following up on the thing you owe me.' We've turned accountability into an apology. Thank you for reading!
You thread inspired me to reflect on the things I stopped apologizing for, thank you for the inspiration to write those peace. It was truly healing for me. I hope you enjoy it 🫶🏽
What you’re really modeling here is the shift from managing perception to managing your own pipeline of energy, decisions, relationships. Not forgiving everyone, walking away from one-sided loyalty, wanting power outright: each one prunes what doesn’t reciprocate so the rest can grow faster.
As someone who measures builds by whether they return time or cash (ideally both), this reads like a masterclass in protecting the asset that is your attention and output. The old linguistic hedging was routing your best effort to people and systems that wouldn’t pay it back. You rerouted it.
That’s not softness or strength, it’s just better engineering.
This is one of the best reframes I've read. 'Managing your own pipeline of energy, decisions, relationships', that's exactly it. The old version of me was optimizing for other people's comfort. The new version optimizes for output, clarity, and reciprocity. And you're right, it's not softness or strength. It's just better engineering. Love this.
You’re not being kind. You’re being small.” so very true thankyou
A lot of women were handed a whole verbal toolkit for making ourselves smaller, softer, easier to absorb. Half the work is changing the boundary, and the other half is dropping the language that keeps apologizing for having one.
A whole verbal toolkit for making ourselves smaller, yes, exactly! You just described it perfectly. And you're right that it's a two-part job: changing the boundary AND dropping the language that keeps apologizing for having one. The boundary means nothing if your language is still asking permission for it. Love this.
Do you think maybe there’s also a cultural reason too behind why women apologise so much? Perhaps we have trauma from our culture, upbringing, or childhood, or even older female bosses earlier in our career to think we are a burden and are simply not good enough for just existing and have to do extra to prove ourselves. That is why I believe we over-apologise. I think when women are constantly told by even other women that hold internalised misogyny within them to younger women they aren’t good enough it really hits young women poorly.
Absolutely. This is such an important layer. The conditioning doesn't just come from men or from 'the system' in the abstract, it sometimes comes from other women who were taught the same rules and are unconsciously enforcing them. Older female bosses who were told to shrink, and then pass that expectation down to the next generation. It's a cycle. And you're right, the cultural and childhood roots run deep. For me, as an immigrant, there was an added layer to blend in. Dismantling it requires recognizing where it was installed in the first place. Thank you for naming this.
THIS is so important, especially for women in business. Stop apologizing, stop using “just checking in,” etc. I’ve been guilty of it too.
Agreed, it's really important and so many of us are guilty of it. I still catch myself doing it sometimes, awareness is the first step for change. Just checking in' is one of the sneakiest ones because it sounds professional. But what it really says is: 'I don't want you to think I'm being pushy by following up on the thing you owe me.' We've turned accountability into an apology. Thank you for reading!
This was an amazing read!
I'm so glad. Thank you for reading!
You thread inspired me to reflect on the things I stopped apologizing for, thank you for the inspiration to write those peace. It was truly healing for me. I hope you enjoy it 🫶🏽
https://violainebrault22.substack.com/p/the-common-denominator?r=87ie7t&utm_medium=ios
Thank you for sharing your journey! So beautifully expressed.
What you’re really modeling here is the shift from managing perception to managing your own pipeline of energy, decisions, relationships. Not forgiving everyone, walking away from one-sided loyalty, wanting power outright: each one prunes what doesn’t reciprocate so the rest can grow faster.
As someone who measures builds by whether they return time or cash (ideally both), this reads like a masterclass in protecting the asset that is your attention and output. The old linguistic hedging was routing your best effort to people and systems that wouldn’t pay it back. You rerouted it.
That’s not softness or strength, it’s just better engineering.
This is one of the best reframes I've read. 'Managing your own pipeline of energy, decisions, relationships', that's exactly it. The old version of me was optimizing for other people's comfort. The new version optimizes for output, clarity, and reciprocity. And you're right, it's not softness or strength. It's just better engineering. Love this.
Powerful reframing of language and self-worth. Choosing clarity over apology reshapes identity, boundaries, and how we take up space.
How we take up space. Yes. That's it! Thank you for reading.
This is fascinating! Thank you for sharing it. I have much to consider now...
I'm so glad it resonated. Thank you for reading.